It is rainey, so I complaney.
I wish I was in Spainey, or even doing the Mocaraney.
Or even better, fucking Jamey.

Because I can...

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something fandom, a song, a colour, a photo, a sexual position, etc. (Or, not)
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Associate you with a character/pairing.
6. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
8. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

I will get around to doing all of these...I am just tired and it is late.

I rarely read livejournal anymore. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't have time. So, in effect, I've decided to bid goodbye to this world. I'll still check sometimes so don't delete me if you don't want to.

My SN is chasingthemusic. I'd be happy to talk to each and every one of you. So goodbye, it's been an era.

in a row and a double post? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD?

This.
http://wishroll.com/valentinr/frostyy
send me a valentine?
♥

Yesterday I had one of those days that come once in a blue moon when the mind, boggled down by happenings and traumas goes on complete overload and becomes restless to the point of insanity. It happened while I was on my laptop. I had just given up on hw for the 3rd time that day and was suddenly overcome with the realization that the family room (where my computer lives) was being eaten by crap. So I cleaned it. 4 hours, but I did it. And somehwere in the middle of that I decided to have a party, without first consulting my parents. I got a party and $50 out of it, so clearly I think I won.

Only one truly signifigant person was missing...but I don't like to count that because things probably would have been worse if they were here. Before the first guest arrived I was struck with a realization that crippled me throughout the entire night: I'm not free like I thought I was. I found that out when I cried because they couldn't come...it wasn't exactly tears and it wasn't just because of that, but it was a wake up call.

And last night it was different. Good different and honest different, but different; I'm tired of different. Things have been different for so long that they're starting to become normal, but the wrong kind of normal. And I guess I don't know what I want, but I know it's not this.

So happy February to you friends list - I hope the snow finds you and cancels your schools.

OH and for the amusement of you all - my glasses broke so I am currently sporting the pink tape holding the two pieces together look, a la harry potter. clearly, I own you all.

The way I see it, an exam is nothing but a test of a student's ability to cram a bunch of information into their head more or less the day before the exam takes place. In theory we're supposed to study for each exam over a long period of time so that when the night before the exam takes place we can spend part of the night preparing for the next one. However, this theory does not have a place in reality, at least not my reality.

It's times like these where I wish I was so smart that I didn't have to crack a book and could get an A right off the bat. But that's not me. So exams are shit. And they also force me to adopt very bad habbits like not taking frequent showers, neglecting my face and zoning off into space thinking about dirty things.

Thank God this weekend I'll have 4 days of no homework to completely slack off and do all the things I've been longing to do all week long. So to all of you also suffering through exam week, the best of luck to you all-worst comes to worse, there's always a life of prostitution.

♥

Does anybody ever wish we could go back to middle school? When everything was clear and life made sense? Oh, and when exams only counted for like 5% of your grade?

Looking back, although I know middle school sucked I miss the simplicity of it. Things hadn't gotten complicated or messed up and although I love my life now, but I'll always long for the long-forgotten times before I had lost a best friend, had my first kiss, broken a law or become so innapropriate and jaded. Despite what the law says, none of us are children anymore and as much as I am longing for the day when the law will recognize that, I wish I could be a child again.

Maybe it's just that I don't want to study for exams or maybe it's just because I'm watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch...but either way, no matter how hard I try to think my way out I'm still who I am and that means I have to study for exams which means I need to end my ramblings. Happy Saturday to all and to all, have some fun!

Yesterday as I made my way through school my mind wrapped around the idea that come 7:30 I would be given the opportunity to show 64 people what I've been doing with my life for two weeks, and I was so excited. During history I made a playlist of songs that reminded me of the show, as soon as I got home I washed my hair and when that was done I planned the perfect opening night outfit, a dress of the black and white persuasian. Stepping onto campas I could hardly believe that the moment we had all been waiting for had finally arrived. I slowly pre-set my costumes, checked my props, helped myself to some water and tried to stay away from the pre-show fights, drama and sickness. I amused myself by looking at the show photos, one of which consisted of me and my friend (aka the boy I love in the show) making out. SWEET! ...oye

As people professed their nervousness I told them to fuck it. I told them that this show was ours and it didn't matter what the audience thought and that we should just do the show like we always did. But I was nervous too. I've never had such a large responsibility onstage and it honestly freaks me out sometimes. But with hugs and kisses of encouragement I prepared to make my entrance devoid of the shakes.

My voice wavered as I sang my song, but I knew that once that was done so my nerves flew out the window as well. Even kissing a boy with people two steps away from you did not phase me and I reveled in it all. Sure there were mistakes but mostly we hit it out of the park. But then an emotional scene came and by it went without me dropping a tear. Backstage I beat myself up for it, when really it looked fine to the audience and I still made people cry. For the rest of the show I beat myself up for not being perfect...and at the end I cried because I felt like I had wasted one of my last chances to do the show. I felt like I had let myself, the cast, Susong, and the show down. Making my way to the swarms of people outside the door my depresion only deepended with each new compliment I got. My friends told me to stop it, but everybody in the show felt the same way as I did.

I got in the car and cried. I went home and got angry. I started to study for my spanish exam and realized that I was overdoing it. The show wasn't a disaster and neither was my performance. Everything was still effective, touching and good - just not as good as it could have been. So I made a promise to myself to raise the stakes tonight. To fall in love, be totally comitted and just let things go from there. We close tonight and I can't believe it. This show has meant so much to me and no way can I give it a send off without tears. So here's to us, and here's to you - may you never let the man get you down.

HAPPY NEW YEAR LIVEJOURNAL!

While I may now know exactly how I feel going into this new year or exactly how I stood leaving '06, I am sure that '07 is gonna be the year to dominate! I hope everybody was safe that night and still managed to have a kick ass time!

My new years eve was interesting. I woke up late, got dressed and my mother told me that my breasts were hanging out and I couldn't leave the house. So I went shopping for slutty clothing, but ran out of time and went to go see The History Boys which was very good, although I'm sure the film does no justice to seeing it live. Then I went home, felt sick / crashed and then woke up promptly at 8 so I could start to get ready for a party.

The party was good. Although at the inception of the fiesta the walls were painted with awkwardness, it got better as the night went on. But the most important fact is that I got to spend New Years with all of my closest friends...I mean, each and every one of them was there. And it felt good to be able to see them all there. Oh, and of course there were the jam sessions, the raves, the paparazzi, the sparklers and the fire alarm going off about 3 seconds after New Years, but hey - what happens at the party, stays at the party.

However, apparently the real party happened at my house...while I was asleep. So last night my friend woke me up with a text message at 1am, so of course I promptly cursed his name, silenced my phone, and went back to bed. In retrospect, I either should have turned it off or kept it on vibrate because two of my friends (whose names I know, but the driver remains a mystery) drove up to my house at 4am, tapped on my parents window, shouted my name, and totally freaked out my parents. It was dark and I don't think they recognized anybody, but yeah...I personally think it's funny and wish that I would have still been awake, or at least woken up.

So here's to a year of friendship, fulfillment, love, lust, no fears, success, and most importantly good times.

Yes, it is true. I dream-cut my hair. And it was short too. Damn did it ever suck to wake up with the same long hair.

Please, winter break, come quickly.

Oh, and the quote of the day
"You know, it's almost summer"
--natty boh

So yesterday I told him how I felt. I didn't set out to do it, but he just kept asking me what was wrong. He didn't pressure me to tell him and for a long time we just stood there leaning against his car. At first I tried to avoid it and then he guessed. And then we talked about it. And at the time it hurt and it was frustrating because he said he was attracted to me and didn't want to date me. He said he wished that he did and that he loved me and our friendship meant a lot to him. I was frustrated and gave him a kiss. He didn't let me walk away until he thought I wasn't upset.

And then for a while I was. I took a blanket and sat outside on my backsteps and wondered what was wrong with me. And then I went inside and watched the OC. He got online and asked me how I was and I said cold.

And this morning when I woke up things were different. I realized that I had grown up that night. I may not have done the best job in the confrontation, but I didn't act like a stupid little girl. I didn't walk away, I didn't cry and I didn't lie. I told the truth.

And now? Well now I realize that no matter what the attraction, it's not right. He said he didn't want to date me and I don't want to date him either. It's not a compensation thing, it's the truth. It's just attraction, and we both mean too much to each other for it to just be that. So I told myself that and now I realize that I'm over him. I don't think it's forever, but I know that it's for now.

It feels like a whole chapter of my life has been finished and I finally get to start a new one. This time it's not because of something unfortunate either, but a truly positive instance. For once, growing up and life totally kicks ass.

So life has been interesting.
A. I got a facebook (http://hs.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1229520336) totally add me!
B. Every other day, thanks to Dark of the Moon I get to kiss one of my good friends intensely 7 times, get raped by one of my best friends and sing. But seriously, it's gonna kick ass.
C. I don't do shit.
D. I am boring

Sadly my life is not that interesting. I talk about the same people all the time and today I told myself that I wouldn't talk about this one guy...but I did. And it sucked. It's great to know how much your life revolves around certain people. Not.

Oh, and word to the world, support citrus and spring awakening.

Post an ANONYMOUS comment with the following:

1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One non-compliment.
4. One love note, but it does not have to be for me.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've been friends.
8. And a hint to who you are.
9. After you do it for me, put it in your LJ and see who does it for you.

In other news, there is no other news. I had a weekend of fun and now I'm having a day of homework. Only since I've actually been doing it all day I'm not swamped right now. Wow, maybe there is something to not procrastinating...

p.s. i love watching tennis, who woulda thought.

now go and do the meme, you know you want to.

The AP is on Friday.
I think I want to die because I'm so afraid I won't be ready.
Man, it makes me wish I would have started studying earlier.

In other news...I GOT A TAN! And a little bit of a burn, but we're not going to talk about that. So...at least the AP's brought me some good news.



p.s. why does 7th Heaven have to be so annoying?

So I've been inspired by Laine. This post is everything I want to say, but can't because when I use my words I feel to vulnerable.

Between the Bars - Elliot Smith
Drink up, baby, stay up all night. // With the things you could do, // you won't but you might. // The potential you'll be, // That you'll never see, // The promises you'll only make // Drink up with me now, // and forget all about // The pressure of days. // Do what I say, // And I'll make you okay, // And drive them away // (The images stuck in your head: // People you've been before // That you don't want around anymore— // That push and shove and won't bend to your will. // I’ll keep them still).

Balk - Speechwriters LLC
the next chord it dissapoints, it dissapoints like me // it heads in a direction, and it stifles other opportunities // of what the song could mean

Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there's a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that's so.
--Angels in America

Oddly enough, that just about sums it all up.

In other news: Luisa, if you're reading this, I still miss your penis...oh, and Sutton Foster is the best Jo ever and she's just the shit in general.

now excuse me...I need to watch time fly out the window.

Let's stop this.
please.
tomorrow marks the day-and I don't want to throw us away

imissyoulikewhoa

<3

I love you, it's not a lie,
But you've fucked me up. Big time.
I'd be yours forever if I only knew you'd come back.
But I'll never know, so I'm doing all I can.
I'm leaving you behind.
Not because I want to or because I hate you,
you're just killing me
And for once, I need to do what's right for me.

I have a real post to make-but I'll do that later. Today I've been re-reading my favorite plays and picking out my favorite quotes from them, and then writing them down. Now I'm reading Sight Unseen and I came across a quote that I think is really important, for all of us-from their point of view. It's on the whole issue of "discovering" someone.

Jonathan: Then, like I said, like nine years ago, my world started getting bigger. I couldn't even retrace my steps; I can't remember how it happened. All I know is that I met certain people and got a gallery and a show and the public started to discover my work. The night of my first opening , it's like these strangers witnessed a birth, like the work had no life before they laid eyes on it. We know tht's ridiculous, of course, but this is what happens when you take your art out of your llittle room and present it to the public: it's not yours anymore, it's theirs, theirs to see with their own eyes. And for each person who sees your work for the first time, you're discovered all over again. That begins to take it's toll. You can't be everybody's discovery. That gets to be very demanding. Who are these people who are suddenly throwing money at you and telling you how wonderful and talented you are? What do they know? You begin to believe them. They begin to want things from you. They begin to expect things. The work loses its importance; the importance is on "Waxman".

I just read that over and it rings so many bells-so many. Just read it and think about it, at least.

I've decided. Lj and me have had a good run, but like all great things...it's come to an end. So make sure you got my SN...unless you don't want to keep up with me, and I guess I could understand that because I'm not that interesting. Hope I don't lose more touch with you guys any more then I already have just being me. later.

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I mean, it started out well enough. First I had art (which I love), then spanish (and we watched the OC), then great civ (she let us go into English and watch the OC), then bio bump (tiring, but not that bad), and then advisory (to watch more OC). Then it was the end of the day and Annette and I went to Set Construction for a little until I had to to go to voice, which was okay. Then I went back to set to go with Corey to get my dinner, but she had already gone because she thought I didn't want to go with her. So, still not pissed, I walk over to Eddys and practice saying my lines. When I come back everything's fine for a while...we're all eating and talking and I feel really happy, but then suddenly it all goes south.

I don't know why Olivia has this effect on me, but sometimes I feel like when I see her I plunge into an icy river and drown in my struggle to escape. Something about seeing her, knowing she was going to be staying at RP for good, brought back all the memories of Olivia I'm left with. My feelings of being inadaquite, unsuccessful in both school/the future, how everybody likes her, etc. Well, yesterday it was too much for me to take. I started crying. A lot. Just when I thought I had gotten over it the mourning scene was up...when I walked back to my place I saw her and I just couldn't help myself. I sobbed hysterically. All night long my mind was filled with terrible thoughts...I really don't know what I'm going to do about her. I can't stand her...she does terrible things to my mind. She makes me want to give up everything I love because whenever I'm around her I feel like I suck in every aspect of my life.

I guess the only good thing that came from is it is I wrote two poems...they're not particulary good, but they're filled with my emotions.
( untitled messes )

Then once I had gotten over the sadness/rage of Oliviaville I started feeling like I had to throw up. It was probably just a mix of all the hormones that were released during my hysterical fits and the fact that I haven't been sleeping much for the past 2 weeks or so. But then I started crying because I felt so bad...so it was good when I finally got to go home and collaspe in bed.

But now it's spring break...and I don't have to see her until Tuesday. And then after Wednesday I won't have to see her for much longer. Spring Break has hit me at possibly the best moment. I need this sleep and time away from Olivia for my sanity.

But some of you don't know about Olivia. As part of my quest to overcome this fear, I'm making myself go self-therapy...so I'm going to tell you all about this. It's going to be long and painful, but I think it's the first step. Eventually I want to explain this to Olivia, and her mother...because her mother needs to understand why I did what I did, and that it wasn't because I wanted to be mean, but because I was breaking down inside.

( Oliviaville" )

Why am I sharing this with you all? Because if you all want to be my friends you have to understand what makes me tick...or break down. You have to understand what used to be to understand what is now. Oh, and those who know Olivia, I want to tell her myself, so please, don't share this with her. Thanks.

Oh, and I have to say that Corey McAndrews has made all of this easier for me. Last night, today...you win at life...thank you for everything.