As people professed their nervousness I told them to fuck it. I told them that this show was ours and it didn't matter what the audience thought and that we should just do the show like we always did. But I was nervous too. I've never had such a large responsibility onstage and it honestly freaks me out sometimes. But with hugs and kisses of encouragement I prepared to make my entrance devoid of the shakes.
My voice wavered as I sang my song, but I knew that once that was done so my nerves flew out the window as well. Even kissing a boy with people two steps away from you did not phase me and I reveled in it all. Sure there were mistakes but mostly we hit it out of the park. But then an emotional scene came and by it went without me dropping a tear. Backstage I beat myself up for it, when really it looked fine to the audience and I still made people cry. For the rest of the show I beat myself up for not being perfect...and at the end I cried because I felt like I had wasted one of my last chances to do the show. I felt like I had let myself, the cast, Susong, and the show down. Making my way to the swarms of people outside the door my depresion only deepended with each new compliment I got. My friends told me to stop it, but everybody in the show felt the same way as I did.
I got in the car and cried. I went home and got angry. I started to study for my spanish exam and realized that I was overdoing it. The show wasn't a disaster and neither was my performance. Everything was still effective, touching and good - just not as good as it could have been. So I made a promise to myself to raise the stakes tonight. To fall in love, be totally comitted and just let things go from there. We close tonight and I can't believe it. This show has meant so much to me and no way can I give it a send off without tears. So here's to us, and here's to you - may you never let the man get you down.