Look At Me Ma, All Grown Up

So yesterday I told him how I felt. I didn't set out to do it, but he just kept asking me what was wrong. He didn't pressure me to tell him and for a long time we just stood there leaning against his car. At first I tried to avoid it and then he guessed. And then we talked about it. And at the time it hurt and it was frustrating because he said he was attracted to me and didn't want to date me. He said he wished that he did and that he loved me and our friendship meant a lot to him. I was frustrated and gave him a kiss. He didn't let me walk away until he thought I wasn't upset.

And then for a while I was. I took a blanket and sat outside on my backsteps and wondered what was wrong with me. And then I went inside and watched the OC. He got online and asked me how I was and I said cold.

And this morning when I woke up things were different. I realized that I had grown up that night. I may not have done the best job in the confrontation, but I didn't act like a stupid little girl. I didn't walk away, I didn't cry and I didn't lie. I told the truth.

And now? Well now I realize that no matter what the attraction, it's not right. He said he didn't want to date me and I don't want to date him either. It's not a compensation thing, it's the truth. It's just attraction, and we both mean too much to each other for it to just be that. So I told myself that and now I realize that I'm over him. I don't think it's forever, but I know that it's for now.

It feels like a whole chapter of my life has been finished and I finally get to start a new one. This time it's not because of something unfortunate either, but a truly positive instance. For once, growing up and life totally kicks ass.
  • Current Music
    The Guilty Ones - Spring Awakening

Life of a Boring Girl

So life has been interesting.
A. I got a facebook ( totally add me!
B. Every other day, thanks to Dark of the Moon I get to kiss one of my good friends intensely 7 times, get raped by one of my best friends and sing. But seriously, it's gonna kick ass.
C. I don't do shit.
D. I am boring

Sadly my life is not that interesting. I talk about the same people all the time and today I told myself that I wouldn't talk about this one guy...but I did. And it sucked. It's great to know how much your life revolves around certain people. Not.

Oh, and word to the world, support citrus and spring awakening.

Because they're fun

Post an ANONYMOUS comment with the following:

1. One secret.
2. One compliment.
3. One non-compliment.
4. One love note, but it does not have to be for me.
5. Lyrics to a song.
6. How old you are.
7. How long we've been friends.
8. And a hint to who you are.
9. After you do it for me, put it in your LJ and see who does it for you.

In other news, there is no other news. I had a weekend of fun and now I'm having a day of homework. Only since I've actually been doing it all day I'm not swamped right now. Wow, maybe there is something to not procrastinating...

p.s. i love watching tennis, who woulda thought.

now go and do the meme, you know you want to.

Why Why Why, do you say

The AP is on Friday.
I think I want to die because I'm so afraid I won't be ready.
Man, it makes me wish I would have started studying earlier.

In other news...I GOT A TAN! And a little bit of a burn, but we're not going to talk about that. least the AP's brought me some good news.

p.s. why does 7th Heaven have to be so annoying?
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    hello, goodbye-beatles

British people had bad hair

So I've been inspired by Laine. This post is everything I want to say, but can't because when I use my words I feel to vulnerable.

Between the Bars - Elliot Smith
Drink up, baby, stay up all night. // With the things you could do, // you won't but you might. // The potential you'll be, // That you'll never see, // The promises you'll only make // Drink up with me now, // and forget all about // The pressure of days. // Do what I say, // And I'll make you okay, // And drive them away // (The images stuck in your head: // People you've been before // That you don't want around anymore— // That push and shove and won't bend to your will. // I’ll keep them still).

Balk - Speechwriters LLC
the next chord it dissapoints, it dissapoints like me // it heads in a direction, and it stifles other opportunities // of what the song could mean

Nothing's lost forever. In this world, there's a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that's so.
--Angels in America

Oddly enough, that just about sums it all up.

In other news: Luisa, if you're reading this, I still miss your penis...oh, and Sutton Foster is the best Jo ever and she's just the shit in general.

now excuse me...I need to watch time fly out the window.
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    Elizabeth 1

ode to...

Let's stop this.
tomorrow marks the day-and I don't want to throw us away


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    my own head

Ode to the past

I love you, it's not a lie,
But you've fucked me up. Big time.
I'd be yours forever if I only knew you'd come back.
But I'll never know, so I'm doing all I can.
I'm leaving you behind.
Not because I want to or because I hate you,
you're just killing me
And for once, I need to do what's right for me.
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A Thing to Remember...

I have a real post to make-but I'll do that later. Today I've been re-reading my favorite plays and picking out my favorite quotes from them, and then writing them down. Now I'm reading Sight Unseen and I came across a quote that I think is really important, for all of us-from their point of view. It's on the whole issue of "discovering" someone.

Jonathan: Then, like I said, like nine years ago, my world started getting bigger. I couldn't even retrace my steps; I can't remember how it happened. All I know is that I met certain people and got a gallery and a show and the public started to discover my work. The night of my first opening , it's like these strangers witnessed a birth, like the work had no life before they laid eyes on it. We know tht's ridiculous, of course, but this is what happens when you take your art out of your llittle room and present it to the public: it's not yours anymore, it's theirs, theirs to see with their own eyes. And for each person who sees your work for the first time, you're discovered all over again. That begins to take it's toll. You can't be everybody's discovery. That gets to be very demanding. Who are these people who are suddenly throwing money at you and telling you how wonderful and talented you are? What do they know? You begin to believe them. They begin to want things from you. They begin to expect things. The work loses its importance; the importance is on "Waxman".

I just read that over and it rings so many bells-so many. Just read it and think about it, at least.
  • Current Music
    Angels in America


I've decided. Lj and me have had a good run, but like all great's come to an end. So make sure you got my SN...unless you don't want to keep up with me, and I guess I could understand that because I'm not that interesting. Hope I don't lose more touch with you guys any more then I already have just being me. later.

Prepare Yourself...

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I mean, it started out well enough. First I had art (which I love), then spanish (and we watched the OC), then great civ (she let us go into English and watch the OC), then bio bump (tiring, but not that bad), and then advisory (to watch more OC). Then it was the end of the day and Annette and I went to Set Construction for a little until I had to to go to voice, which was okay. Then I went back to set to go with Corey to get my dinner, but she had already gone because she thought I didn't want to go with her. So, still not pissed, I walk over to Eddys and practice saying my lines. When I come back everything's fine for a while...we're all eating and talking and I feel really happy, but then suddenly it all goes south.

I don't know why Olivia has this effect on me, but sometimes I feel like when I see her I plunge into an icy river and drown in my struggle to escape. Something about seeing her, knowing she was going to be staying at RP for good, brought back all the memories of Olivia I'm left with. My feelings of being inadaquite, unsuccessful in both school/the future, how everybody likes her, etc. Well, yesterday it was too much for me to take. I started crying. A lot. Just when I thought I had gotten over it the mourning scene was up...when I walked back to my place I saw her and I just couldn't help myself. I sobbed hysterically. All night long my mind was filled with terrible thoughts...I really don't know what I'm going to do about her. I can't stand her...she does terrible things to my mind. She makes me want to give up everything I love because whenever I'm around her I feel like I suck in every aspect of my life.

I guess the only good thing that came from is it is I wrote two poems...they're not particulary good, but they're filled with my emotions.
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Then once I had gotten over the sadness/rage of Oliviaville I started feeling like I had to throw up. It was probably just a mix of all the hormones that were released during my hysterical fits and the fact that I haven't been sleeping much for the past 2 weeks or so. But then I started crying because I felt so it was good when I finally got to go home and collaspe in bed.

But now it's spring break...and I don't have to see her until Tuesday. And then after Wednesday I won't have to see her for much longer. Spring Break has hit me at possibly the best moment. I need this sleep and time away from Olivia for my sanity.

But some of you don't know about Olivia. As part of my quest to overcome this fear, I'm making myself go I'm going to tell you all about this. It's going to be long and painful, but I think it's the first step. Eventually I want to explain this to Olivia, and her mother...because her mother needs to understand why I did what I did, and that it wasn't because I wanted to be mean, but because I was breaking down inside.

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Why am I sharing this with you all? Because if you all want to be my friends you have to understand what makes me tick...or break down. You have to understand what used to be to understand what is now. Oh, and those who know Olivia, I want to tell her myself, so please, don't share this with her. Thanks.

Oh, and I have to say that Corey McAndrews has made all of this easier for me. Last night, win at life...thank you for everything.
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